Last month I took a vacation to Hawaii for my 33rd birthday. It was a gift to myself and it served several purposes but the most important purpose was the fulfillment of a need to separate myself from regular life for a while. I needed to step back and take a breath. It was the first vacation I had ever taken as an adult (vacation in the sense that it wasn’t combined with visiting family or traveling for work). Vacations require both time and money. I’ve had time and I’ve had money but until now I haven’t had both simultaneously. Until recently I haven’t even been able to visit my own family as often as I’d like.
Vacations are necessary. I believe that the idea of Sabbath was first instituted to create a temporal separation between busy life and quiet, reflective life. This separation was considered important enough by early Judaism that a requirement to take a weekly sabbatical was included in the Ten Commandments. Space and time to oneself is important.
The vacation destination isn’t important. What’s important is that I have the opportunity to remove myself from my regular life to look at the big picture. This vacation taught me several things but the most important thing was a realization that occurred to me a week or two after my return: my life is not incomplete.
In the years following my divorce in 2007 I began to get the feeling that I needed to find The One and that the girl of my dreams was out there somewhere. I am not a person who falls in love easily but when I do it’s very real. Over the course of my dating life, I have told four women that I loved them and I meant it in each case. The love I felt for each was different but real all the same.
I only mention this because although I have dated many people, few trigger a spark that ignites. My mom calls me “picky” and my sister-in-law thinks my efforts to find flaws in women are a defense mechanism. Both are probably right to a certain extent.
As I’ve gotten older and remained single, the dread of “dying alone” has been festering. What if I never find the perfect person?
It occurred to me after my vacation: I don’t need to. I’ve been married. I’ve done that thing and it was great. Why do I need to try so hard to recreate that?
Is it for the companionship? I have friendships that have lasted longer and that are deeper and more meaningful than any romantic relationship I’ve had.
Do I feel I need to find The One so I can have children to raise in my image to pass on my legacy? I may not have created a child but I do have children in the sense that I am an uncle and a big brother. I have close friends with kids. I genuinely love kids but I don’t need my own to satisfy this parental urge I seem to have.
There is no need for me to feel unfulfilled. I have great friends, a satisfying career, and a healthy personal life. Everything is fine the way it is and if I never find someone to share it with, I can live with that.
Having been in many different types of relationships, I know that a romantic relationship is something that can be approximated but not equaled. Having friends and family and pets are a substitute to this relationship, but it’s a poor substitute at best. I do not reject the importance of romance. But after taking time for reflection, I realize that finding The One will not make or break my life. My life is great the way it is.